The single greatest skill I learned in undergrad was how to ask for help and support. I know that seems ridiculously simplistic. And perhaps it may even seem like a huuuuge waste of tuition dollars (considering Wesleyan’s price tag, this is probably true haha). But the older I get, the more I realize how foundational this skill is.

Specifically, I’m referring to:  How to ask for help || When to ask || Who to ask it from

Knowing the above adds up to you being a better, more functional, more evolved individual. It is the acknowledgement that no one person can do all things, be all things, hold all things, and endure all things. It’s the recognition that help exists if only you ask. It recognizes that humans are fundamentally social beings. We need each other like we need oxygen. The absence of either leaves us dead. Yet, we are rarely proactively taught this skill. Even worst, we are at times shamed for asking for help; for reaching out to others.

It’s in this context that I learned the other element to reaching out: you gatta be deliberate. Who you ask for help is just as important as how you ask. Recently, I had a particularly shitty day where I felt someone was intentionally, maliciously undermining me. After leaving this situation, all I wanted to do was rage (re: cry) to the first person I saw about how unfair and unwarranted this was.

But I forgot to choose carefully who I opened up to. I forgot that not everyone is capable of responding to your need for help, and certainly not everyone is well-intentioned. There are some that hear your story and their immediate reaction is, “Oh you didn’t know that that’s how the world works? Well where you been?” There are others who will say, “That’s bad, but my day was even worse” (these are actual responses I heard -___- ). Both responses invalidated my experience and left me feeling anything but helped or supported. In fact, they made me feel bad for even having this seemingly inconsequential problem.

Instead, empathy is what you really need from someone. Salt of the earth empathy. Not condemnation or minimization. This empathy will come from your tribe. Your tribe are the people in your life who will hear what you’re saying, absorb it, make you feel as okay as possible, and help you work through ways to solve the problem. They make you feel a little less alone and they will “show up and wade through the deep with you.” And maybe…just maybe, you will even leave the conversation laughing when at first there were tears.

Find your tribe. They’re out there.

And know that help is just an ask away.

“Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.” – the ever illuminating, Dumbledore