Author: blackgirlmagicandmeditation

‘The Hard Season’

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the hard season
will
split you through.
do not worry.
you will bleed water.
do not worry.
this is grief.
your face will fall out and down your skin
and
there will be scorching
but do not worry
keep speaking the years from their hiding places.
keep coughing up smoke from all the deaths you
have died.
keep the rage tender.
because the soft season will come.
it will come.
loud.
ready.
gulping.
both hands in your chest.
up all night.
up all the nights.
to drink all damage into love.
– therapy // Nayyirah Waheed // salt

 

The ‘hard season will split you through’. There’s no better way to describe this. So much of this year has been pain mixed with anger mixed with instability. I’ve been so raw lately. Triggered by so much, internally and externally. I find it difficult to feign optimism and joy these days. Even my 3-seconds-a-day videos ring hollow. Most days I’m left wondering: how could anyone bring a child into a world filled with so much hatred and alienation? Everything that’s happening in the world is terrifying, overwhelming, and enormously sad. Violence is more common than peace. Heartbreak more common than unity.

So what do we do with this? Where does this hopelessness and hardness fit in the tapestry of life experience? I’m not sure. I barely know how to begin to answer this. So I return to the words of the poet, Nayyirah Waheed.

We keep the rage tender. We learn from it. We speak truth to the fears building in us. We dive deep into ourselves and find the honesty needed to place one foot in front of another. To show up each day for each other.

Somewhere along the way we diverged. We lost ourselves and our homes. Returning isn’t as easy as sweeping claims, deep quotes, and picture-perfect social media posts. I wish it were. But returning is much more tedious than that. It’s more thought-provoking and time-consuming. It can take days, weeks, months, or years. But it can happen. It has to happen…right?

 

we all break.
it is okay
to hold your heart outside of your body
for
days.
months.
years.
at a time.
– heal // Nayyirah Waheed // salt

Beyoncé & the Utility of Anger

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Warning: I curse more than a few times in this post.

 

Let’s be honest. I give off an energy that is slightly more mouse than lion. I’m okay with this. As Marie-eve likes to say when I’m down: “You’re a tiny ball of survival!”

Scar

I’m not a bold or in-your face kind of person. Not that there’s anything wrong with being that way. Some of my best friends are the “don’t take shit from anyone” types of chicks. And I love them for it. They get shit done! But that just wasn’t me. I tend to keep the bolder, more aggressive emotions locked away. Anger and rage being two of them.

But y’all…

Something happened to me when I heard the first lines of Beyoncé’s “Don’t Hurt Yourself“. Something snapped. That shit resonated in the depths of my soul. That shit echoed through every moment of the last three years of my life.

Who the FUCK do you think I am? You ain married to no average bitch, boy. 

Beyonce

I listen to that song more than any other on Lemonade. I sang my LIFE out to it during the Formation tour.

I used to think being angry was synonymous with being bitter or an ‘Angry Black Woman’. I couldn’t let myself feel that or become the cliché.

But I was wrong. Anger is necessary. Anger is powerful. Anger is useful when justified and wielded for good. It’s a way to stand up and tell the world how it will or won’t treat you. It’s a way to remind yourself how you should and shouldn’t be treated. When the anger is rising, it means something is happening that shouldn’t.

I spent so much time in my past relationship and its aftermath trying to quell the rage rising in me. Rage for allowing myself to be treated so shitty. For being promised progress and growth but being served lemons. For defending this person to my friends, explaining the second chance – only to have to eat those words a few months later. For blaming myself at every dip of that roller coaster/circus, instead of the person causing them. For continuously watching someone put their own hopes/dreams/fears/pain first, but still I put myself last. For allowing myself to become smaller to accommodate him. For compromising what I truly knew I deserved. For blaming myself so much and for feeling not enough. For feeling ashamed. For swallowing past anger (and unknowingly, my pride) just so we could be okay and move on. For believing I was seen, when really I wasn’t. For being put aside until he was “ready”. Only for that to be ready for someone else.

And mostly, for staying…so…fucking…long…in limbo.

But what I should’ve said from the first day of shit was: Who the fuck do you think I am? 

What I should’ve said was: You fucked me over. You are poison to me. You don’t get to feel sorry for yourself and then live happily ever after. Love doesn’t live here anymore.

How different things may have been.

I had and have a right to be full of anger. I deserved better. I deserved more. I knew it but I didn’t demand it.

Anger has become my reclamation and liberation. It is a reclamation of all I had thought was lost from my past. My voice. My self-esteem. My right to be treated with care. I allow myself brief moments to revel in anger. To learn from it. To use it for healing. To let it burn away the edges of shame and guilt. I’m angry and I have a reason to be. I will not hide that anymore.

I am worthy of being loved fully. That’s the kind of love I give. Sometimes you just need to be reminded of that. Sometimes you have to scream it.

So thanks, Bey. It’s like I needed this song long before I could voice the words. You helped me more than I could ever say.

BeyonceHoldUp.jpg

Photo credits: 1. https://ohmy.disney.com/movies/2014/01/23/scar-so-bad-hes-good/; 2. theroot.com; 3. http://www.billboard.com/articles/news/7348332/beyonce-stylist-b-akerlund-lemonade

Diverge // Digress

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I feel myself separating. Detaching.

Diverging in a new way. In a way that is both sad and merciful in its making. In a way I could never have predicted. I feel myself separating from you in a real way. Growing out and away. I feel quietness when thoughts of you broach my mind.

What is this?

The love that we cultivated was the netting on which I built my universe. It’s so strange to not feel that anymore. Or at least, to feel so very far from that. So very distance. Almost as if I have to remind myself of how real that once was.

What is this?

I call this detachment both sad and merciful because it really is. Sad, because our connection was so central to who I was. To what I wanted to be. To what I could see, feel and hope for. Merciful, because I thought I could never let go, or worst…that it would never let go of me. I thought I would drown under the weight of our damage.

But maybe not. Maybe I’m finally done. Maybe I can finally breathe deeply once again.

With time, I’ve changed. Grown. Released. Cried. Been tormented. Prayed. Meditated. Cried. Laughed. Longed. Raged. Released. Become…

Become something different. A new animal.

One less…wounded. Devoted. Bound.

One more…awake. In control. Tired. Honest. Detached. Ready.

I don’t want to go back to where I was before. I felt like I was shattering and burning. I was self-destructive and called it love.

I can’t be attached like that anymore.

“I let you leave. I need someone who knows how to stay.” – Warsan Shire, the unbearable weight of staying – (the end of the relationship)

Video Project: June 2016

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June was the month of Queen Bey. But let’s be honest, it’s been her month since Lemonade dropped and changed my world.

This month had more highs and lows than most. The Formation Tour and my nephew’s high school graduation were the highest of highs. The referendum outcome and travel fatigue were the lows (see my political rant here). But mostly, this month was full of a lot of quiet moments, happy moments, and the tiniest bottle of hot sauce I have ever seen!! (June 13).

ps. can anyone tell I got my pets in Formation? #okayladies #INeedMoreHobbies #hahaha

Wanderlust & Solo Travel

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I had never really traveled by myself until this past month. Before this, I’d always gone places with someone or had plans to meet someone when my plane/train/automobile stopped. So when I found out I’d be going to Europe for work, I knew this was my chance.

At the end of May, I spent two weeks in Dublin, London & Copenhagen. I traveled mostly alone, ate mostly alone and explored mostly alone. It was like breathing fresh air for the first time in a long time.

Being alone, so far from home and everyone you know, is equal parts liberating and reflective. I don’t even know if I could fully explain it. The quiet gives you time to be uninhibited, to explore, to think, to eat, to smile at strangers, to be meditative, to feel lonely, to wander and get lost, to practice gratitude, to feel annoyed that you missed that train because you couldn’t figure out the damn map, and mostly…to feel alive.

Traveling alone and outside of your comfort zone is a privilege. I know that not everyone has the time, money, or energy to do so. A year ago, a trip like this would’ve been a fantasy for me. But as soon as you are able to travel, I sincerely recommend that you go.  It is an essential element for growth. You don’t have to go that far. Just go. And take no one with you. I’ll let Cheryl Strayed take it from here:

“Go! Go! Go! You need it one more time, darlin? GO.

Really. Truly. As soon as you can. Of this I am absolutely sure: Do not reach the era of child-rearing and real jobs with a guitar case full of crushing regret for all the things you wished you’d done in your youth. Sugar knows too many people who didn’t do those things. They all end up mingy, addled, shrink-wrapped versions of the people they intended to be.

It’s hard to go. It’s scary and lonely and your band-mates will have a fit and half the time you’ll be wondering why the hell you’re in Cincinnati or Austin or North Dakota or Mongolia or wherever your melodious little finger-plucking heinie takes you. There will be boondoggles and discombobulated days, freaked out nights and metaphorical flat tires.

But it will be soul-smashingly beautiful, Solo. It will open up your life.”

– Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

 

Constitutional Referendum

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Below are thoughts I have shared on the recent outcome of the Bahamas’s Constitutional Referendum, held last Tuesday, June 7. More has been written by people who are far more articulate & have a much deeper understanding of the complex systems that created this storm. I encourage you to read everything you can.

It’s 2016 and my country of birth has told me (loudly) that I am not equal to the men in my country. You have said that my citizenship is worth less than men. You have said that the citizenship of my future daughters is worth less than men. You have said that I can be discriminated against on the basis of my sex, and there is no legal recourse.

I’m not ashamed to say that I’m surprised at these results. I am. I wished for more for this country. I always have. But tonight, my heart is heavy. I am so deeply disappointed in the rationale of intolerance, hate and spitefulness that people have used to justify their vote against these bills.

You can say what you want about all the reasons people voted no. I have heard them a thousand times. They are all nonsensical and/or prejudice. If you think you have voted no to “teach the current govt. a lesson”, to stop LGBT persons from gaining rights, or because of good ole fashion misogyny, please miss me with that bs. All you have done is shot yourself in the foot. I no longer care to understand your position. And I don’t have to. It is my right; one of the only rights I have as a woman in this country.

At the root, the reasons to vote no show that this country is deeply, powerfully and irrevocably prejudice, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, partisan and fearful.

We, as a country, have fallen far from the ideals of equality, justice, human rights, tolerance, civic duty and diversity. We, as a country, have so much more work to do…

*************************************************************************************

Trust me, I am often the one trying my best to empathize with all viewpoints. But the two main reasons people voted no are 1. to show they no longer trust the current govt. who put forth the referendum and funded the “Vote Yes” Campaign; and 2. to send a message to the LGBT community that they are not wanted here and will never have the same rights. Reason 1 I can rationalize and even agree with to a certain degree. But you are still denying yourself and future generations with a basic human right in an effort to spite someone else. Reason 2 is plain bigoted, homophobic & transphobic. AND it shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the difference between “sex”, “gender” and “sexual orientation. The bill referred to sex, but all people heard was “same-sex marriage”. In defending their no vote, I have heard people say LGBT people are pedophiles and that transgender people should be exiled from this country and that same-sex marriage is an abomination. There is no rationality in that. There is nothing I can empathize with in that. So when I say I no longer care to hear that point of view I’m saying: I no longer want to engage with someone (or a group of people) who fundamentally hate others and believe they are inferior.

*************************************************************************************

In wading through the aftermath of this referendum, I’ve realized that I didn’t do enough to support this cause leading up to the vote. Social media is one thing, getting out there is another. I watched from the sidelines as others did the heavy lifting.

My involvement would not have changed the tides, but at least I would’ve been working towards a cause that is so important.

Gender equality (or more often, inequality) isn’t just an abstract concept; it impacts the lived experiences of everyone, everyday. We have to do the real work it takes to make equality a reality in the Bahamas.

“Culture does not make people. People make culture. If it is true that the full humanity of women is not our culture, then we can and must make it our culture.” ― Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, We Should All Be Feminists

Photo credit: http://www.globalgoals.org/global-goals/gender-equality/

An optimist’s guide through melancholy

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Most days I feel fairly optimistic about the future. I feel like I’ll be fine. That I’ll mend and find love again. A love that is fuller. Less weighed down by barriers. Less weighed down by betrayal. I know that I’m a good person and I know I can be brave. So I think this is possible. Likely, even.

But there are other days…

Days when the loneliness creeps in and swallows me whole. Days when I viscerally miss the familiarity, closeness, and companionship of our past. Days I wish I hadn’t taken those past days for granted. Days I wish those past days had never happened because to remember them, but have them taken away, yet still watch others have them…it cuts me down. It makes me feel small. And like I’m emptying in all the wrong ways. Like I’m moving in reverse while everyone else is moving forward. Like I started out the gate too soon with this love thing. And stumbled. And fell. And shattered every bone. And everyone else is still running.

And on days like this I feel both love and hatred so close to the surface. They tangle with one another, leaving an acidic taste in my mouth. A taste full of melancholy and resentment; joy and tenderness. I want so much for these things to not be intertwined. I wish so much to feel like I’m not moving in reverse.

Tomorrow is another day, though. Maybe I will figure it out.

“The best thing you can possibly do with your life is tackle the motherfucking shit out of love.” – Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love & Life from Dear Sugar

Video Project: May 2016

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May can be described in just a few words: feathers, dancing, sunburns, friends, laughter, flowers, travel, wanderlust, wine, good food, Dublin, cappuccinos, London, MATILDA, Copenhagen, canals, and home.

It was an incredible month and I am so grateful it rolled out like it did.

I hope you enjoy!

Swim in the Rain

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May20 - Cafe

“Be present. Make love. Make tea. Avoid small talk. Embrace conversation. Buy a plant, water it. Make your bed. Make someone else’s bed. Have a smart mouth and quick wit. Run. Make art. Create. Swim in the ocean. Swim in the rain. Take chances. Ask questions. Make mistakes. Learn. Know your worth. Love fiercely. Forgive quickly. Let go of what doesn’t make you happy. Grow.”

– Paulo Coelho de Souza, Brazilian lyricist & novelist