Tag: todolists

The Mundane & Tedious

blackgirlmagicandmeditationLeave a comment

The last couple weeks have been harder than I thought they’d be.

After going through the health crisis with my mum, I thought I would get minute to catch myself, to un-clench the tightness in my body, to breathe again. I am so grateful that she is doing much better. I feel that gratitude each day. It’s honestly a miracle.

So then why am I not happier? Why am I so…drained?

These weeks have felt disappointingly draining and heavy. Not in any sweeping, grand way. It has been overwhelming in the mundane and tedious way life can be sometimes. I feel bogged down by an annoying to do list that keeps expanding instead of shrinking. My laptop crashed (not even 2 days after I was just thinking how I can’t afford a new one right now.) I’m feeling really conflicted on who/what I want to be/do moving forward in my career. Our dog, George, needs surgery to correct something a past surgery left undone. Communication amongst my family is at an all-time low. I feel like I’m getting sick. Work has been at this insane level of busy that I don’t eat until 5pm. And this insanity has also made it difficult to go back and visit my mom until mid-November

Honestly, I’ve been feeling utterly exhausted. All the time. I can’t even explain it. I’m so tired and so anxious.

Sunday Anxiety

blackgirlmagicandmeditation2 Comments

You know those Instagram photos showing someone relaxing in a bed of fluffy white blankets? There’s a cappuccino to their left and the 30th book they’ve read for leisure this year sitting to their right. Often the hashtag #LazySunday or something like that ends the post. You know this scene?

LazySunday2

Yeah, me neither.

My Sundays – honestly, since before I can remember – have never looked like that. When I was in grad school, it was mostly chewed pencils, Kleenex, and overweight textbooks scattered around my bed. Now that I’m out of school, my bed is not even in the picture anymore. I constantly have a looong list of shit to do. Grocery shopping. Laundry. Buy birthday gifts for loved ones. Wash day for my hair so it doesn’t revolt against me. Actually read that damn book that’s been sitting on my side table for 3 months. All things at the top of my list. (Ironically, “update blog with new posts” is up there to. So…can I check that one off?)

As doable as this list seems at the beginning of each week, I am always painfully humbled by my lack of success by the end of each weekend. I am only responsible for myself, and yet I still can’t get shit done in my free time. Why!? And how do people with partners, children or people who depend on you, demanding jobs, and community service activities get anything done beyond the essentials??

My point with all of this is to say: Sunday anxiety is real. There’s this unworldly expectation to both relax the day away in a puffy heaven of bed sheets while somehow simultaneously wilding out on your to do list for the week. If you succeed at both, you’re “guaranteed” to have a flawless upcoming week. But where does that leave those of us who can’t quite do either with ease? Often, I feel tired, unprepared, and stressed out most Mondays. And worst, I scan through social media and feel like everyone else is doing their weekends (and life) better than me. This is obviously BS and I need to remind myself of that more often. No one can live up to the social media ideal all the time. And if they do, we were never meant to be friends.

So with that, I will close my computer and try to accept that what is done is done. Tomorrow is a new day and week. And I’ve done all I can do to prepare for it.

Now to channel my anxiety towards watching Fear the Walking Dead…